Today is the first day

I need to take a look at myself
Like a really good look
I'm needy kind
Sort of
I like having people well let's scratch that I like having male attention in my life
It's funny because I've alway had my dad so I'm not really sure why I'm like this

I believe my reflection is the biggest show of who and what I am
In my reflection is peace of knowing I can change
In my reflection is love for the life I have and enjoy
In my reflection is God who stand next to me in all things

I am realigning myself
Tighten up ship and getting connected to the life I want

I just let him walk off....

"With all of my stuff"



I left him do this to me again
This time I knew
This time I could see
This time I didn't hold on as long as I did before
AND for that I am proud
Hurt really bad but none the less proud

He used the L-word this time to pull me in or soften the blow
Not really sure which but neither worked
SO

Right now I feel like an idiot
AGAIN
There will probably no next time for him
Or for any one for that matter
Hmph

He knows he holds the keys to my emotions, my heart and my love
Guess who gave it to him
ME
Yep ME
Agh

After this I will be one coldhearted mother... shut yo mouth
Blood is black and it will move like molasses
If I can find all the pieces

"somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time"

My greatest fear is revealed

I am the ANGRY BLACK WOMAN in my early twenties.

What it would usually take most women decades before they become this way I have done in a few short years. My heartless and emotionless nature has made me what I did not want to become. I can only fault myself at this point for what I have become. My past is seemingly full of anger and bitter towards just about my entire laundry list of past relationship and friendships. I have been the girl who has dating ADD to the girl who men to get what she wants only to benefit herself.

My specialty was the delusion I could put on like everything was just as it should be all the while keeping people at an arms lenght can only keep so many people at bay for so long and once they get "too close" I shut it down like the power company that comes and turns off your lights during the evening hours. I do not feel any type of way about the abuse I caused or the havoc I may have left behind because those things are the things that I may have to face in the future or should I as the repercussions I will have to face in the future.

There is a black whole somewhere deep in my chest that holds a safe that has all the broken pieces of my heart in it. One of these day's I'll take the time to put it back together and show the world that I am not as unkind as I have led on to be and I am more loving than most would believe.

P.S. This post and future post maybe all over the place but that's where I am