Thinking While Sick

Well I love my life right now
I mean deeply head over heels about life and work
Oh yeah and none other than baby Jesus (you choose your own Jesus)

My bro and sis-in-law are about to have twins
Yep two people barely making it in this world are about to have to more babies
Dumb, dumb, dumb (my opinion)

Love life
_______________(flatlined)
I'm not too much worried about it anymore
I think I am trying to get comfortable with me and who I am etc.

My work is awesome
Haute MEN all around
I think they may be married but that ain't gonna stop me from looking
Everyone is cool there too
More Money for the man upstairs and for me
*Hell Yeah*

Friends I guess they are doing fine from what they tell me

My lil sister crazy as ever
Her storyline has been a roller coaster ride
She got on it willingly and signed a wavier with big ass print
But I can't shade her on looking for love but she gotta get out them dang dark corners
*The Freaks Come Out At Night*

My car is in the shop someone who I live with can't drive and hit my parked car
Did I mention she said absolute nothing for a least 6 hours from wince it happen WOWzers
Boy If it had been me ...
Anywho they still can't fix it right so I have a rental car till then

Halloween was a blast
Look up Q100 Big Wicked and you'll see photos from the party it was awesome

Holidays are coming up
So I decided I wanted to go to my cousins house instead of diving the TN (For the win)
I hope it's chill and super lush because I'll be festive on the inside

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH NOTHING
I don't people who look down on me for not completing school. It's not like they were gonna pay for it, help me support myself while going, or even honest. So to all those people shut your mouth because I'll be great with and without a degree believe or not

P.S. So yeah the ex from last post. As you may have already guessed he reach out. UGH
Is it really that difficult to just keep going through life without a flame brusting up from the ground ever couple of years? If not can people really be honest with themselves and with the other person as to why they care so freak much even after you literally moved on?

RANT
If you move/moved on stop reaching back here in the past for something. Make clear what do you want from me. You genuinely could not care less if I burst into flames right now, exited stage left, and was beemed up to baby Jesus all in one fell swoop. Asking me stupid questions like how am I, what have you been up or even how's life don't seem like common courtesy but what it does seem like is fishing....I HATE FISHING LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. It's boring with no certainty and if I want uncertainty I'll keep living because there is enough of it out here that I don't need more. I'd rather been treated like a regular person...no no no...a stranger and received a hello and left it at that. No punctuality, no courtesy, no fishing just a simple hello and if you don't wanna do that you don't have to, Seriously.
You gave her what I wanted all those years for ((yep a bitch is jealous not envious/hating just jealous)). Yep I am only mad at me for wasting much time, making up excuses for you (which weren't necessary), and leaving myself wide freaking open (dumb as hell). You help me put on my big girl pants, so Thank You.

Ok I'm done

So It's No Swear November for me

Ain't it funny

It's funny how when you break up with someone, whether they are friend, foe, family or lover, you always think about what you would do if you ever saw them again. It may consume you in the beginning but after a while you don't think about it much if at all. But then you see them... and all your ideas fly right out of the window (crazy huh). The thing is in reality there about two reactions a person will have if they see a former (you fill in the blank).

One being the most extreme/unlikely possibility is that you perform some kind of physical or emotional violence upon the person for what they did to you.The upheaval of violence, whether physical or emotional, is still the complete lack of respect you have for them which is second to them.

Two being the most socially acceptable/widely popular no real reaction at all. This lack of reaction doesn't mean you're not cordial to the person especially in a social setting, but you probably wont say anything else unless asked, if at all.

I just think it's funny no matter how long you've gone without seeing this person your reaction to them says a lot no matter which reaction you have to the person.

P.S.

I know a couple of people have already heard me talk about my reaction weeks ago, but I'm talking about this now because I can finally talk about it

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Now playing: Jennifer Lopez - I'm Gonna Be Alright
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: Jennifer Lopez - Ain't It Funny (Murder Remix)
via FoxyTunes

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Good Advice ... Think twice

My Life has been turned up side down
So I figure it's time for a change



This book has changed and is changing my life
.... Along with God duh

I been going through alot but here's what my goals are:
1. Get a real Job (3-6months)
2. Get my own car
3. Get my own place to stay

I'm only writing this to hold me to my word

ANYWAYZ

Boys are fun as usual
I need a new rotation though *ugh*

Friends have been ok
Three of them have been especially supportive
What can I say I have great friends
...At least three

Is it strange for a friend to ask you to be their bridesmaid when they never told you about their engagement or the man they are marrying?
Don't matter because I do
If I say no it's like setting me up for the okie doke
*No one put baby in a corner* LOL

I know everyone is looking to me for some much needed fun when I get home
You'll be sadly disappointed
*Wonk wonk*
I gotta stay focused
Let's get it *Jezzy Voice*


My bestie D she's my inspiration
Hustle for me Hustle

Now that you have it all...

You want me too. Why can't you just be happy without me being your backup, just in case or second fiddle? I know I deserve way more than what I've been settling with. You have everything I ever wanted from you. I wanted love, I wanted relationship/commitment, and I wanted you to want me. I guess that was too much to ask for when I'd been settling for less all this time. I've taken this as a lesson to stand on what I believe and don't waiver for any less. I love you but I love me way more. I love me enough to know I can't settle for a friendship with you all knowing I want more and need more. I want you to be happy and it seems you are happy. I wish you the best and I hope you treat her with the same respect if not more than you treated me with.
Always a Princess never the Queen

His Collared Shirt

4 paws photography

As I walk through the door after work I notice

I noticed a collared shirt
It wasn't just any collared shirt
It was his collard shirt.
I pick up the shirt intending to take it to the hamper, but I see this flicker, this flicker of red in the corner of my eye sending me suggestion for me to look twice.
So I take a second look at his shirt and what do I see red lips, red lips that seemed so familiarly unfamiliar to me.
Thinking, deep down inside I've got nothing to hide but these red lips are sending chills down my spine.
Making me think things I've never thought and walk through parts of this house I rarely ever walked before.
Like his man cave and his study, WAIT I know he ain't got no "study buddy".
My mind is spinning so fast I can keep up
But
What did I hear something
I take a few steps toward the bedroom and my thoughts of his infidelity are all consuming me
Reaching down to the knob
To turn
To Turn
TO TURN
Shit the door
Now my mind is telling me he's got something to hide
So I take the long way around through the closet
I'm trying to make the best of it
Denying my mind the right to be, well right
I walked through the open doorways right into OUR room
Look what I see him staring back at me
Getting lost in those I snap back
Back to the present
Back to right now
Back to this shirt
His Collared Shirt
He sees me holding his shirt with those lips exposed
It's like he knows
As if he is reliving the moment in time on how he received those lips on his shirt
He replies "Remember last night in the taxi where you got all sexy. I couldn't help but to show you those beautiful red lips on my shirt".
I remembered completely
Every thought now fleeting
He grabs a hand full of my ass and makes me remember our freaking
In the cab
On the way home
While the driver watch us engage in foreplay

Conversations with HIM: The Pre-nup

I've heard this discussion on the radio about the getting a prenuptial agreement for couple that either live together or ones that are about to walk into marriage. I personally don't find it offensive for anyone to want to preserve what they came into the relationship holding. I can see how this can be interpreted as selfish or even "putting the cart before the horse." Here's the small conversation I had with HIM about it.

KIKI: Would you still marry your your soon to be wife if she asked you to sign a prenup
HIM: Yea I would probably as her for on too
KIKI: But only if she asked fo r one first?
HIM: Yea I would still marry her
KIKI: I'm say would you still ask her for one if she never asked you for one
HIM: Yea I always said I would no matter who I marry

See this is the real deal women most people have things they don't care to lose or give to their partner just in case. What do you think???

Message From DC

I received this message as plea to open up and I obliged. I opened up the closed down the shop after I just wasn't there anymore. DC and I were together about three month (like all the others). I liked him but the tiny things got to me or it could be the comparison that I can't fight. I suppose it will not ever go away I'll be single for along.

Baby only if you knew my heart and how I felt about you. I really like you the only way I would see leaving you is if you broke my heart. You need to stop making yourself seem as bad as you think you are based off the who you been with. I miss you baby and I'm here for you. Like I told you I can't know how you feel without telling me. And I'll catch you from there. I made that promise baby so just trust that and I'll trust you as far as you want me too. Good Night baby text me when you wake up so we can talk more about this

Converstions with HIM

These is one of the best conversations I've had in a long time with one of my closes male friends. Here's the 411 on what has happened prior to the conversations.

This guy (we'll call him TSA) and I have had this on again off again relationship. Look weren't typical on and off type of couple in the fashion of we broke up and got back together (wasn't us). We met high school dated a bit, it fell off, he called me out of no where after he had graduated, later we tried being together, we fell off again, we decided not to be together until way later but we would be together maybe sometime later when things were on level ground (we were both in college), we became intimate (a step before sex), I shared my feeling (never happens and wont ever happen again), I shed tears I spent the night, we were close after that, then we fell off, I got into a relationship, made the choice to cut our friendship off b/c it was too draining and I needed focus on what I had going on I had already been unfaithful with TSA on the current. Did you get all of that? If not just ask me about it?

SO

Fast forward a year later and I am no longer in a relationship. I contact him via facebook and express the fact that I still had feeling for him blah blah blah here's the conversation that I had with my guy friend about this because this is the first time I have ever felt jealous/hurt by a non-damaging statement. I needed someone to talk this through with

Convo with HIM
KIKI: He's with some one else.
I know what your thinking I know this is the same guy I cut out of my life. Yes we haven't had any contact with each other in about a year. He told me that he got with this chick about 2months after I cut our relationship of sorts. Here is what he said to me after I told him I still had feelings for him (no I wasn't trying to get back with him I just didn't want to even imagine him being with someone else).

Here's what he said:
its not that hard to imagine cause i do have some feelings for you still but at the same time im in a relationship and have been for 8months 2mo after you sent me text during my bday..........so yea i can imagine that but you basically told me i do more harm than good and you were right so i fault myself for that and yea i do still think and wonder about you but i dont regret what i did only because if none of that would have happened i wouldnt be where i am now and idk if we can be cool or not or talk on a more regular basis or not with out disrespecting my relationship but dont feel like you playing the fool cause you not just you gave me time to think and a reason to think damn i will prolly never speak to her again *even now im using fbook inbox which i never do*but regardless i am still hear to listen and comfort you i told you that a long time ago and i stand by my word and promises

WTF
How the hell do I take this? Is this a bitch back-off you kicked me out so back up you crazy heifer? It hurts like all hell to even think of him kissing another woman (threw up in my mouth). This is the first time I've ever experienced this feeling. I don't know what to do about this or is it a that

HIM:ummmm.....wow.....ok for 1 he's trying to move on but still thinks about you.....even tho he's mad u kinda left him.....he's over it but still thinks about the possibility that could have happened.

now it hurts you why?.....i can understand u have feeelings but then your being selfish a lil...you dont want no one with him.....but yet u didnt want him until now

KIKI:Hey hey hey don't call it selfish
So I can change my mind right? He's suppose to be there like he said but now he's not he lied. He moved on and didn't tell me. I feel like someone kick my sand castle over and got sand in my eye as well. I hate this feeling and it's not my fault that I can't get him out of my head. UGH I hate my life today and possibly for the next 60days as well

HIM: ok ok....first off....was this the guy back when we first started talking again.......the one u gave urself too? *not my virginity he means my heart*

KIKI: Yes and yes

HIM:but didnt you leave him?....then again let me ask why you left him again?

KIKI:Yes but there was an unexpected event that happened while we were in one of those times that he wasn't answering my calls for about two months. I let him go impart because of what was going on with me as well as I just couldn't take the fact that he would seem to fall in and out of my life. I wanted him to either be there or not. It's hard to call a person your friend when you only speak to them every blue moon

HIM: but sometimes situation changes that they have no control over.....so you cant be mad.....but on a different note he did ignore you so you had all right to move on......but he realized you moved on so he tried too......you can see he thinks about you by his message

KIKI: Everyone has control of changes that happen in their lives. I'm not mad, I'm upset about it and it hurts to the point where I wanna throw up. If I had the ability to find out who this chick is I would.
How in the world do you know he cares just because he says so doesn't mean it's true and I know that first hand.
HIM: For him to say it even though he has a girl what will it prove?
KIKI: Nah he just repeated what I said
HIM: Do you want him?
KIKI: Yea or at least ... screw it I do
HIM: Why you want him?

That is something I will have to answer on my own. I need to figure out why I feel like I didn't want him to move on. I feel like I never listened to him when he would say things to me about our relationship. Life goes on

Converstions with Him: Sex buddies or Really Buddies

These are questions I ask him. Him is not nor will never be a single guy. Him will vary in are variable way like occupations, race, and religions. I hang with many men and I figure I'd start to keep track of what they say especially since I am more like them than I will ever know.


KIKI: Question from my best friend: Her and this dude have know each other for about a month and they have been have sex. He says he's not all about sex but every time she's over there he wants to fuck (they do). She likes him as a person and they talk about things while she is there not just surface ish real ish (ie. marriage, kids, and guys vs. girls. Her question is if she is just a jumpoff or sex buddy even if he says she's not. She's even asked him if he wanted her to be just a jumpoff but he was like no he really likes her.

My question: What the hell is going on with this dude? Who the hell turns down a sex buddy? Just when I think men are simple one of these boys pop-up on some I wanna be different ish *ugh*

HIM: lmao.....that nigga got problems.....i would have said yes to the jumpoff.....he might have been scared that if he said yes she would have been like well nah we cant be friends no more.....i dont want a jumpoff i just want a friend....sex a plus......lmao

KIKI: Oh okay
Do you think he likes her?
Do you think he cares more for real or is it just sex?

HIM:he likes her else he wouldnt care if he has sex with her or not.......he might have a genuine interest......but only she can really tell......

What do you think about what's going on???

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