Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Converstions with HIM

These is one of the best conversations I've had in a long time with one of my closes male friends. Here's the 411 on what has happened prior to the conversations.

This guy (we'll call him TSA) and I have had this on again off again relationship. Look weren't typical on and off type of couple in the fashion of we broke up and got back together (wasn't us). We met high school dated a bit, it fell off, he called me out of no where after he had graduated, later we tried being together, we fell off again, we decided not to be together until way later but we would be together maybe sometime later when things were on level ground (we were both in college), we became intimate (a step before sex), I shared my feeling (never happens and wont ever happen again), I shed tears I spent the night, we were close after that, then we fell off, I got into a relationship, made the choice to cut our friendship off b/c it was too draining and I needed focus on what I had going on I had already been unfaithful with TSA on the current. Did you get all of that? If not just ask me about it?


Fast forward a year later and I am no longer in a relationship. I contact him via facebook and express the fact that I still had feeling for him blah blah blah here's the conversation that I had with my guy friend about this because this is the first time I have ever felt jealous/hurt by a non-damaging statement. I needed someone to talk this through with

Convo with HIM
KIKI: He's with some one else.
I know what your thinking I know this is the same guy I cut out of my life. Yes we haven't had any contact with each other in about a year. He told me that he got with this chick about 2months after I cut our relationship of sorts. Here is what he said to me after I told him I still had feelings for him (no I wasn't trying to get back with him I just didn't want to even imagine him being with someone else).

Here's what he said:
its not that hard to imagine cause i do have some feelings for you still but at the same time im in a relationship and have been for 8months 2mo after you sent me text during my bday..........so yea i can imagine that but you basically told me i do more harm than good and you were right so i fault myself for that and yea i do still think and wonder about you but i dont regret what i did only because if none of that would have happened i wouldnt be where i am now and idk if we can be cool or not or talk on a more regular basis or not with out disrespecting my relationship but dont feel like you playing the fool cause you not just you gave me time to think and a reason to think damn i will prolly never speak to her again *even now im using fbook inbox which i never do*but regardless i am still hear to listen and comfort you i told you that a long time ago and i stand by my word and promises

How the hell do I take this? Is this a bitch back-off you kicked me out so back up you crazy heifer? It hurts like all hell to even think of him kissing another woman (threw up in my mouth). This is the first time I've ever experienced this feeling. I don't know what to do about this or is it a that

HIM:ummmm.....wow.....ok for 1 he's trying to move on but still thinks about you.....even tho he's mad u kinda left him.....he's over it but still thinks about the possibility that could have happened.

now it hurts you why?.....i can understand u have feeelings but then your being selfish a lil...you dont want no one with him.....but yet u didnt want him until now

KIKI:Hey hey hey don't call it selfish
So I can change my mind right? He's suppose to be there like he said but now he's not he lied. He moved on and didn't tell me. I feel like someone kick my sand castle over and got sand in my eye as well. I hate this feeling and it's not my fault that I can't get him out of my head. UGH I hate my life today and possibly for the next 60days as well

HIM: ok ok....first off....was this the guy back when we first started talking again.......the one u gave urself too? *not my virginity he means my heart*

KIKI: Yes and yes

:but didnt you leave him?....then again let me ask why you left him again?

KIKI:Yes but there was an unexpected event that happened while we were in one of those times that he wasn't answering my calls for about two months. I let him go impart because of what was going on with me as well as I just couldn't take the fact that he would seem to fall in and out of my life. I wanted him to either be there or not. It's hard to call a person your friend when you only speak to them every blue moon

HIM: but sometimes situation changes that they have no control over.....so you cant be mad.....but on a different note he did ignore you so you had all right to move on......but he realized you moved on so he tried too......you can see he thinks about you by his message

KIKI: Everyone has control of changes that happen in their lives. I'm not mad, I'm upset about it and it hurts to the point where I wanna throw up. If I had the ability to find out who this chick is I would.
How in the world do you know he cares just because he says so doesn't mean it's true and I know that first hand.
HIM: For him to say it even though he has a girl what will it prove?
KIKI: Nah he just repeated what I said
Do you want him?
KIKI: Yea or at least ... screw it I do
HIM: Why you want him?

That is something I will have to answer on my own. I need to figure out why I feel like I didn't want him to move on. I feel like I never listened to him when he would say things to me about our relationship. Life goes on

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