I just let him walk off....

"With all of my stuff"



I left him do this to me again
This time I knew
This time I could see
This time I didn't hold on as long as I did before
AND for that I am proud
Hurt really bad but none the less proud

He used the L-word this time to pull me in or soften the blow
Not really sure which but neither worked
SO

Right now I feel like an idiot
AGAIN
There will probably no next time for him
Or for any one for that matter
Hmph

He knows he holds the keys to my emotions, my heart and my love
Guess who gave it to him
ME
Yep ME
Agh

After this I will be one coldhearted mother... shut yo mouth
Blood is black and it will move like molasses
If I can find all the pieces

"somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time"

My greatest fear is revealed

I am the ANGRY BLACK WOMAN in my early twenties.

What it would usually take most women decades before they become this way I have done in a few short years. My heartless and emotionless nature has made me what I did not want to become. I can only fault myself at this point for what I have become. My past is seemingly full of anger and bitter towards just about my entire laundry list of past relationship and friendships. I have been the girl who has dating ADD to the girl who men to get what she wants only to benefit herself.

My specialty was the delusion I could put on like everything was just as it should be all the while keeping people at an arms lenght can only keep so many people at bay for so long and once they get "too close" I shut it down like the power company that comes and turns off your lights during the evening hours. I do not feel any type of way about the abuse I caused or the havoc I may have left behind because those things are the things that I may have to face in the future or should I as the repercussions I will have to face in the future.

There is a black whole somewhere deep in my chest that holds a safe that has all the broken pieces of my heart in it. One of these day's I'll take the time to put it back together and show the world that I am not as unkind as I have led on to be and I am more loving than most would believe.

P.S. This post and future post maybe all over the place but that's where I am

Thinking While Sick

Well I love my life right now
I mean deeply head over heels about life and work
Oh yeah and none other than baby Jesus (you choose your own Jesus)

My bro and sis-in-law are about to have twins
Yep two people barely making it in this world are about to have to more babies
Dumb, dumb, dumb (my opinion)

Love life
_______________(flatlined)
I'm not too much worried about it anymore
I think I am trying to get comfortable with me and who I am etc.

My work is awesome
Haute MEN all around
I think they may be married but that ain't gonna stop me from looking
Everyone is cool there too
More Money for the man upstairs and for me
*Hell Yeah*

Friends I guess they are doing fine from what they tell me

My lil sister crazy as ever
Her storyline has been a roller coaster ride
She got on it willingly and signed a wavier with big ass print
But I can't shade her on looking for love but she gotta get out them dang dark corners
*The Freaks Come Out At Night*

My car is in the shop someone who I live with can't drive and hit my parked car
Did I mention she said absolute nothing for a least 6 hours from wince it happen WOWzers
Boy If it had been me ...
Anywho they still can't fix it right so I have a rental car till then

Halloween was a blast
Look up Q100 Big Wicked and you'll see photos from the party it was awesome

Holidays are coming up
So I decided I wanted to go to my cousins house instead of diving the TN (For the win)
I hope it's chill and super lush because I'll be festive on the inside

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH NOTHING
I don't people who look down on me for not completing school. It's not like they were gonna pay for it, help me support myself while going, or even honest. So to all those people shut your mouth because I'll be great with and without a degree believe or not

P.S. So yeah the ex from last post. As you may have already guessed he reach out. UGH
Is it really that difficult to just keep going through life without a flame brusting up from the ground ever couple of years? If not can people really be honest with themselves and with the other person as to why they care so freak much even after you literally moved on?

RANT
If you move/moved on stop reaching back here in the past for something. Make clear what do you want from me. You genuinely could not care less if I burst into flames right now, exited stage left, and was beemed up to baby Jesus all in one fell swoop. Asking me stupid questions like how am I, what have you been up or even how's life don't seem like common courtesy but what it does seem like is fishing....I HATE FISHING LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. It's boring with no certainty and if I want uncertainty I'll keep living because there is enough of it out here that I don't need more. I'd rather been treated like a regular person...no no no...a stranger and received a hello and left it at that. No punctuality, no courtesy, no fishing just a simple hello and if you don't wanna do that you don't have to, Seriously.
You gave her what I wanted all those years for ((yep a bitch is jealous not envious/hating just jealous)). Yep I am only mad at me for wasting much time, making up excuses for you (which weren't necessary), and leaving myself wide freaking open (dumb as hell). You help me put on my big girl pants, so Thank You.

Ok I'm done

So It's No Swear November for me